Oh Ye Of Little Faith...

As soon as I moved to North Carolina, I began attending a Bible study with some friends. My whole marriage situation was shared and everyone there began to pray for Trevor and I to work something out. I thought they were being a little far reaching to think that Trevor would get his life turned around or want to stay married. Over a 5 week period they had been praying for Trevor and for Trevor and I. After almost 5 weeks, it was a Thursday evening about a week and a half ago, Trevor called me. He said that the divorce papers were on their way and I would be getting served with them the next day. (I was right...go figure huh!) I said okay, then he asked if I was willing to work things out....he no longer wanted a divorce. I hung up on him. I mean, he'd been pretty consistently awful and at that point, I wanted my divorce! Well, the weekend before, I had been at a retreat in the mountains of North Carolina. A friend of mine told me that even when I'm not feeling love towards Trevor that I still need act it out... the feelings would follow. That conversation came flooding back to me as I sat there holding the phone, seconds after hanging up on Trevor. Then I started thinking, "hmm, I wonder if people would find out if I told Trevor, no, give me the divorce?" At that point God sort of hit me over the head with about 10 verses. About half of which all had to do with His love and forgiveness continually being put on me. Man, I need to stay married. BLEH. That's how I felt! Actually, a little more accurately describing how I felt would be, " COME ON! I was going to have such a great life being single and not having to answer to ANYone!" Well, therein lay the problem. I was seeking to be out of a controlling situation and wanting to take the reigns to my own life. That's not an issue right?? WRONG! God asks the exact opposite of us! He wants us to deny our self and do what HE says. Talk about easier said than done. At that point I called Trevor back and told him (almost verbatim), "Fine, we can try and work things out. But you have to do *insert problem*." Then I told him I needed to go. I began praying that God would show me Trevor through His eyes. A few minutes later (now crying) I called Trevor back again and asked him if the girls and I could move back at the end of this school semester when both of us are on a break. He was equal parts shocked and ecstatic. Although now he was probably starting to rethink things with my high and low attitude. One of our issues had been his drinking. Well, I got to the point of compromise that he could have a certain number of "drinking passes" in a sense. My Bible study group continued to pray for him and less than a week after Missing Divorce Day, he called me to tell me he no longer was going to drink. On top of that, his buddy who he drinks with, no longer was going to drink anymore either. Wow. What an awesome God I serve! Here I am about a week and a half later still asking that God give me a new and lasting love for Trevor... you know what? He has! And He will continue to do so! How do I know that? Because He's told me that he has a plan and a purpose for my life. A hope and a future set before me. He is active in our lives if only we step out in faith and trust Him with our lives. Even when I lacked the faith and vision for what God could do, God honored my friends pleas on mine & Trevor's behalf.

On another note. I know a lot of Christian's who don't believe in the gift of healing. However, I know first hand that our God is a powerful God who will do amazing works through His people when we are willing. Just to share briefly, a friend of mine has been dealing with a lot of back pain in addition to being pregnant and for various reasons it had become a spot of contention in her marriage. Her husband began praying in earnest that the Lord would give him the gift of healing but that more importantly He would heal their marriage. He prayed over her and she was healed! That was two nights ago. Last night at Bible study they shared with us the awesome work God had down in them and for them. Soon after a newcomer to the study, shared with us that her child would soon be tested for a form of autism but that the doctors were fairly certain he had it. She shared with us several issues he was having to deal with. He couldn't talk well and was no where near the other children his age, he was prone to tantrums (more so than usual), didn't like to be affectionate or make eye contact. All signs of his form of autism. So we all prayed over him. He was VERY agitated as we prayed and when we sent him back to the children's room started being very destructive and harming some of the other children. One of the ladies in the room told him to stop and began to pray over him. He immediately sat down and didn't move for about 5 minutes than came over to that lady and said "sorry" very clearly and then proceeded to give her a hug and kiss. Shortly after he climbed into her lap and fell asleep on her. When Bible study was over he was talking well and pronouncing his words clearly and talking in sentences. Today my friends Stephanie and Ishmael are going to pray over a man named Gary who is a paraplegic with a lot of other home issues added in. I know that we serve a mighty God. I will be praying that God heals Gary completely both Physically and Spiritually. I will also be praying that God uses this to bring Gary's whole family to Christ! Pray with me!

Move To The Groove Or Get Your Toes Stepped On

Wednesday Trevor is filing for divorce. The whole process from start to finish will take less than a month. Wow. I think it's for the best. I don't think there was even a 48 hour period ONCE in our whole marriage where we went without fighting. Big things. Small things. Imaginary things. You name it, we fought about it. I just started taking a Phlebotomy course. I should graduate from it December 6th and I want to have a full time job by Christmas. I'm so excited to be financially independent. Figure out a budget and stick with it. Decorate how I want to without wondering if it's too girly. I get to be involved in home groups- something Trevor refused to do & I was too embarrassed to go alone. I get hang out with old girlfriends that Trevor didn't like. If I want to get my nose pierced I can (I'm not going to because I don't think I can for my job haha but still). Is it going to be hard being a single parent while working full time a feel like I'm me again. I nicer, much more calm & rational version of me. Hopefully more mature as well. I feel happy again, I say stupid phrases like "hotter then a whore in a church" & "awesome sauce". I know that sounds stupid but I don't know how else to describe it. I can cook chili in the middle of the summer. Who cares if its hot?! I don't! I really appreciate my parents helping me with everything but I'm ready to be in my own house, being the only disciplinarian in my girls' lives. I ready to not have an opinion given for everything. I'm ready for them to go back to being my parents and the girls' grandparents... Not co-parents. I am ready to have to take care of remembering to get the cars oil changed. I'm not going to have a guy in my life for the first time in over 4 years. Granted, that sends me into a slight state of panic but I can handle it. I can do it! "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."

What Happened To My Life?

Since my last post, my husband and I filed for legal separation and I moved thirty four hours away from him all the way back to North Carolina. Do you know what I realized only once I was THIRTY FOUR hours away from him? I miss him. I love him. I do NOT want a divorce. I do NOT want to move on or try to lead separate lives. I want to figure out what my part was in contributing to where we are. I want to fix this! Why did I have to move to figure that out? Any guesses? It probably has something to do with being INCREDIBLY pig headed. (Also, I do in fact realize I am using a lot of caps but it is helping me express myself! So deal!) I am in the process of trying to get enrolled in a Phlebotomy Course through Sandhills Community College and it is my very sincere hope that by the time I have graduated from the course (December) that my husband will miss me as much as I miss him and tell me he wants me to come home. However, for now this is a decision he and I have to live with the consequences. I don't think I will look at this as a consequence though. I truly did not think this would be difficult yet here I am! If nothing else this is forcing me to work on myself so I can become the type of wife that a husband wants and deserves. This time apart is also forcing us to communicate better. We have actually been talking more in the last two weeks since I moved then we did in the several months before. I am looking forward to the next time we talk. It is my desire that my husband becomes my best friend. We never really got both feet on the ground because of the way our marriage started. Better late then never though right? (Quick aside on how we met: We met January 14, 2010....went on our first date January 16, 2010....got married January 23, 2010...got pregnant January 28, 2010....found out we were pregnant February 14, 2010...hung out for the FIRST time sober February 14, 2010....seeing how we had a difficult start to our marriage??? By the way, we didn't want kids for at least 3-5 years! When our first child was 4 months old we found out I was pregnant AGAIN and yes we do know about birth control- just shutup! I was on birth control both times. Our daughters are 12 months 17 days apart. I'm just Fertile Murtle apparently. OH, on the note of babies, another issue we faced was that I ended up getting pregnant again and miscarried the day we moved to Idaho several months ago thanks to the lovely copper IUD {now removed}so we have had lots of bumps along our marriage's road but I am now committed to steam rolling through them.)  <--- that ended up not being "quick". Sorry about that. I say sorry to my "general" following haha seeing as I have no following. So this is all really just like a public diary for me. Mostly because (sad to say) I type so much that my hand now cramps when I write for any length of time. Totally pathetic I know. Well, if anyone does, in fact, end up reading this, please be praying for our little family to get our crap together! ;)

3 Minutes of Horrible.

My girls room still have boxes in their room's closet. Unfortunately, the closet door doesn't shut. My older daughter, Lilah, is in a toddler bed and loves to go exploring at night. Yesterday during the girls' naptime, Lilah took it upon herself to take out all the boxes and dump them out. She then decided to throw anything uninteresting into Cecelia's crib. 


Shortly after that, I heard a little bit of movement over the monitor and went to get the girls out of bed. Sure, the mess was annoying but no big deal really. I made Cecelia a bottle and sat down to give it to her while Lilah played with some toys. As soon as Cecelia swallowed some formula, she began to choke. Which didn't really phase me to be honest. She "chokes" on her formula all the time from swallowing too fast. So I just sat her up and patted her back. 


However, this time, she didn't just cough and reach for her bottle again. She just kept trying to gag, or cough, or breath. To do anything. So my CPR training kicked in and I flipped her over, patting her back and then alternately trying to clear her airway with my finger. My finger wasn't long enough to feel anything. I started screaming for my husband who was downstairs. He didn't respond so as I kept hitting her back I ran down stairs yelling, "She's not breathing!" over and over. He grabbed her and tried hitting her back more and then put his finger in her mouth. Finally she threw up and out came a hard piece of royal blue hard plastic. Roughly, the size of a quarter. She kept throwing up but now it was tinged with blood. Finally, she stopped and started crying. 


I have never been SO happy to hear one of my babies cry. We took her to the ER for X Rays to make sure a piece hadn't aspirated into her lungs. She was fine and her throat was no longer actively bleeding. The doctor said we did everything right. 

It was the worst, most terrifying three minutes of my life. That feeling will stay in my mind forever, I just hope I never experience something that triggers it again. 


Now I have to work on my husband's feelings of blame pointed at me then it can all be behind me. Being able to say that on a blog no one follows is nice. It means I can put my feelings "out there" but not truly have any negative repercussions from it. 

Memories: Cruel Yet Dear.

Yesterday, I was feeling a little sleepy. The girls were napping so it seemed the perfect moment to close my eyes and catch a few zzz's... As my eyelids drifted shut, I found myself back in my parents house. I walked through the foyer, glancing at myself in the mirror to the right. I turned to the left and slipped off my shoes then stepped off the hardwood over the threshold and onto the cool cement. I could see the red swirling motion the floor seems to give off. I saw the leaf print chair and ottoman sitting in the corner in front of the giraffe dad came home with one year from Africa. To my immediate left I saw the cream colored chair. I could see my porcelain doll sitting on the floor behind it, which was actually broken in the move. I looked to my right and saw the leather couch with a few faint kitty claw marks I hadn't been able to cover with pledge when Rae snuck home a kitten. Further still, the plaid couch now sitting in my downstairs livingroom. If I thought really hard I could see my sister asleep on the couch while Lilah pulled at her hair saying "Mo Mo!" I walked along the back wall and ran fingers across the DVD's and books to the rooms. I glanced into my parents room, no one was there. They must have been at work. I turned to the right and walked into my old room and glanced down at the purple stains in the cream colored carpet where I'd accidentally flung Violet something or other when my mom and I were attempting to clear up Cecelia's thrush. At that point I heard the front door open and mom and dad walk in. Mom walked into the kitchen and hung up the keys, pausing to set her purse on the counter beside the coffee pot. Dad went into the living room where Lilah immediately beelined for him. That was were the memory ended. I opened my eyes looking around my own livingroom, full of furniture that I loved picking out. As my eyes teared up, and I wished for the millionth time that I could just appear back in North Carolina. So. As dear and near to my heart as those memories are, they are even more cruel. Sometimes I wish I had moved away right after high school. I wish I had moved when I got married. Really any time before I had children. Watching Lilah get so attached to grandparents to just get torn away and relocated across the country. It doesn't seem fair to me. There's the cruel.