Oh Ye Of Little Faith...

As soon as I moved to North Carolina, I began attending a Bible study with some friends. My whole marriage situation was shared and everyone there began to pray for Trevor and I to work something out. I thought they were being a little far reaching to think that Trevor would get his life turned around or want to stay married. Over a 5 week period they had been praying for Trevor and for Trevor and I. After almost 5 weeks, it was a Thursday evening about a week and a half ago, Trevor called me. He said that the divorce papers were on their way and I would be getting served with them the next day. (I was right...go figure huh!) I said okay, then he asked if I was willing to work things out....he no longer wanted a divorce. I hung up on him. I mean, he'd been pretty consistently awful and at that point, I wanted my divorce! Well, the weekend before, I had been at a retreat in the mountains of North Carolina. A friend of mine told me that even when I'm not feeling love towards Trevor that I still need act it out... the feelings would follow. That conversation came flooding back to me as I sat there holding the phone, seconds after hanging up on Trevor. Then I started thinking, "hmm, I wonder if people would find out if I told Trevor, no, give me the divorce?" At that point God sort of hit me over the head with about 10 verses. About half of which all had to do with His love and forgiveness continually being put on me. Man, I need to stay married. BLEH. That's how I felt! Actually, a little more accurately describing how I felt would be, " COME ON! I was going to have such a great life being single and not having to answer to ANYone!" Well, therein lay the problem. I was seeking to be out of a controlling situation and wanting to take the reigns to my own life. That's not an issue right?? WRONG! God asks the exact opposite of us! He wants us to deny our self and do what HE says. Talk about easier said than done. At that point I called Trevor back and told him (almost verbatim), "Fine, we can try and work things out. But you have to do *insert problem*." Then I told him I needed to go. I began praying that God would show me Trevor through His eyes. A few minutes later (now crying) I called Trevor back again and asked him if the girls and I could move back at the end of this school semester when both of us are on a break. He was equal parts shocked and ecstatic. Although now he was probably starting to rethink things with my high and low attitude. One of our issues had been his drinking. Well, I got to the point of compromise that he could have a certain number of "drinking passes" in a sense. My Bible study group continued to pray for him and less than a week after Missing Divorce Day, he called me to tell me he no longer was going to drink. On top of that, his buddy who he drinks with, no longer was going to drink anymore either. Wow. What an awesome God I serve! Here I am about a week and a half later still asking that God give me a new and lasting love for Trevor... you know what? He has! And He will continue to do so! How do I know that? Because He's told me that he has a plan and a purpose for my life. A hope and a future set before me. He is active in our lives if only we step out in faith and trust Him with our lives. Even when I lacked the faith and vision for what God could do, God honored my friends pleas on mine & Trevor's behalf.

On another note. I know a lot of Christian's who don't believe in the gift of healing. However, I know first hand that our God is a powerful God who will do amazing works through His people when we are willing. Just to share briefly, a friend of mine has been dealing with a lot of back pain in addition to being pregnant and for various reasons it had become a spot of contention in her marriage. Her husband began praying in earnest that the Lord would give him the gift of healing but that more importantly He would heal their marriage. He prayed over her and she was healed! That was two nights ago. Last night at Bible study they shared with us the awesome work God had down in them and for them. Soon after a newcomer to the study, shared with us that her child would soon be tested for a form of autism but that the doctors were fairly certain he had it. She shared with us several issues he was having to deal with. He couldn't talk well and was no where near the other children his age, he was prone to tantrums (more so than usual), didn't like to be affectionate or make eye contact. All signs of his form of autism. So we all prayed over him. He was VERY agitated as we prayed and when we sent him back to the children's room started being very destructive and harming some of the other children. One of the ladies in the room told him to stop and began to pray over him. He immediately sat down and didn't move for about 5 minutes than came over to that lady and said "sorry" very clearly and then proceeded to give her a hug and kiss. Shortly after he climbed into her lap and fell asleep on her. When Bible study was over he was talking well and pronouncing his words clearly and talking in sentences. Today my friends Stephanie and Ishmael are going to pray over a man named Gary who is a paraplegic with a lot of other home issues added in. I know that we serve a mighty God. I will be praying that God heals Gary completely both Physically and Spiritually. I will also be praying that God uses this to bring Gary's whole family to Christ! Pray with me!

Move To The Groove Or Get Your Toes Stepped On

Wednesday Trevor is filing for divorce. The whole process from start to finish will take less than a month. Wow. I think it's for the best. I don't think there was even a 48 hour period ONCE in our whole marriage where we went without fighting. Big things. Small things. Imaginary things. You name it, we fought about it. I just started taking a Phlebotomy course. I should graduate from it December 6th and I want to have a full time job by Christmas. I'm so excited to be financially independent. Figure out a budget and stick with it. Decorate how I want to without wondering if it's too girly. I get to be involved in home groups- something Trevor refused to do & I was too embarrassed to go alone. I get hang out with old girlfriends that Trevor didn't like. If I want to get my nose pierced I can (I'm not going to because I don't think I can for my job haha but still). Is it going to be hard being a single parent while working full time a feel like I'm me again. I nicer, much more calm & rational version of me. Hopefully more mature as well. I feel happy again, I say stupid phrases like "hotter then a whore in a church" & "awesome sauce". I know that sounds stupid but I don't know how else to describe it. I can cook chili in the middle of the summer. Who cares if its hot?! I don't! I really appreciate my parents helping me with everything but I'm ready to be in my own house, being the only disciplinarian in my girls' lives. I ready to not have an opinion given for everything. I'm ready for them to go back to being my parents and the girls' grandparents... Not co-parents. I am ready to have to take care of remembering to get the cars oil changed. I'm not going to have a guy in my life for the first time in over 4 years. Granted, that sends me into a slight state of panic but I can handle it. I can do it! "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can."